Red Eye: Nature or Nutrition?

Two days ago, I brought you what I thought was the most important story I’d ever covered: the denial of multiple ice cream servings to Gitmo detainees.

Boy, was I wrong. Because just now, on the most recent episode of “Red Eye,” Greg Gutfeld shattered my world.

It appears a bakery in Indianapolis (a city) has refused to sell rainbow frosted cupcakes to a gay campus group who wanted to celebrate National Coming Out Day. You know, because the gays are all about diversity (hence the rainbow.) As a gay conservative, I know I’m totally welcome at all gay events and have the full support of “my” community.

“Just Cookies” owner, David Stockton, refused the order on the grounds he has “impressionable daughters,” reported Gutfeld, showing clips from the story as covered by the local Fox affiliate.

Mr. Stockton has an excellent point. After all, one time at college, I was sitting in the dining hall lusting after the gigantic boobs on the cheerleader at the next table. Then, a radical bakery student placed a multicolored German chocolate cake in front of me. I took a bite and – boom! – I knew the love the dare not speak its name.

Steve Schirripa noted

What he said was absolutely ridiculous. He has impressionalbe daughters? So he puts the rainbows on [the cupcakes] and they become lesbians? But if you are a grown man and go into a cupcake store, you probably are gay.

When Bobby Baccalieri tells you cupcakes are gay, you’d better listen!

Ann Coulter agreed

No, cupcakes are gay. You’re right.

Oh yeah, Mrs. Coulter? How about bacon cupcakes?

OK, so maybe bears and leather daddies eat bacon cupcakes. But certainly not disco dancing twinks!

Totally not an activist Shan Parker, who made “Cookiegate” a big deal, said the following on his website

I don’t think my jaw hit the floor but inside a tinge of rage sprang up. To me a complete injustice had been done. After all, all they wanted was some cookies. With this economy small businesses should be jumping at these opportunities. It’s fairly common knowledge that gays have a large amount of disposable income. After all we can’t pay for things like kids, marriage, and divorce.

Please understand that, as a private business, I respect the fact that they can turn away anyone that they want to, but on a social level they had taken a large misstep. Not only had they made me mad, but I was ready to let everyone else know just how mad I was.

So it’s about divorce, then? Oh, and one outraged gay boy. The misstep taken by “Just Cookies” wasn’t “homophobia,” it was ticking off one Shan Parker, force of nature. And yeah, we all know how much disposable income gay college students have. Where do you buy rainbow colored weed, anyway? I mean, I know where to get Goldschlager. (That’s gay Jaegermeister, in case you were wondering.)

Unbelievably, the entire cast and the guest panel of “Red Eye” seemed to think this story was silly. Maybe due to her recent appearance at Homocon, it was Coulter who gave the story the depth and perspective it so desperately required

I think you’re all taking this very lightly. This is the worst thing I’ve heard since the Holocaust and the Jim Crow laws. This man could not get rainbow cupcakes!

Hear her words! “This man could not get rainbow cupcakes!”

Thankfully, there are reliable news sources willing to discuss the serious issues. Like the Huffington post.

After all, who cares about marginal social issues like the entire family structure when delicious baked goods hang in the balance?

Cupcakes, people!

I don’t care about gay marriage or “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” I’m a fat person. I demand cake, and woe to the person who denies me.

So I totally sympathize with gay people in need of dessert. David Stockton should just be done with it and paint on the Hitler ‘stache. And “Just Cookies” should change it’s name to “Just Auschwitz.”

I guarantee you, Stockton, Michelle Obama will hear of this.

And if you disagree with me, you’re an anorexic homophobe who believes in free market capitalism. You bastard.

Red Eye” air date – September 30, 2010. Guests: Ann Coulter, John Devore and Steve Schirripa. Cast: Host – Greg Gutfeld, Sequential Hermaphroditic Sidekick – Bill Schulz and Ombudsman – TV’s Andy Levy

The views in this post are entirely my own (except where I’m quoting.) Neither “Red Eye” nor Fox News endorse or support my “Red Eye” posts. I am not affiliated with the show in any way, other than being an avid fan.

Help a hard working “Red Eye” fan. Support the campaign to get my posts mentioned on the show (just once!) Write to “Red Eye” and mention this blog.

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Comments
4 Responses to “Red Eye: Nature or Nutrition?”
  1. tahDeetz says:

    Well damn. . .

    to me, gay & liberal really dont have a damn thing to do w/ one another.

    . . . guess ya read muh tweet a bit off kilter.

    nevertheless. . . no worries though. Peace & be well.

    tD

    • Oh, sorry. My response to your tweet was meant to be about the “serious journalist” part, not the “liberal” part. and it was meant to be silly. I didn’t make any assumptions about what you meant. Thanks for commenting! :)

  2. amclimer says:

    Michelle Obama released a statement* on CupcakeGate:

    “While I am never a proponent of discrimination, I cannot, in good conscience, castigate Mr. Stockton for his decision to not sell his cupakes- regardless of the reason. Cupcakes are loaded with sugar and trans fat – the very things that are making our country obese. I will not rest until Mr. Stockton refuses to sell cupcakes to EVERYONE! Cupcakes are evil. Shan Parker should be thanking Mr. Stockton for saving him from a life filled with gluttony and certain death – followed by the removal of his body via crane. Down with cupcakes, up with arugula!”

    *The above may or may not be fictitious. Really, it could go either way.

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