Red Eye: Achmed bin (&) Jehris?

Damn fascists! What's wrong with us? Are we monsters? WELL, ARE WE?

Recent events in my life have caused me to take a break from the serious news. I’ve been trying to get back into the groove, but my need for silliness and laughter has trumped any pretense I once had toward blogging integrity, researching and tackling serious issues.

I planned a return to more serious posting starting next week. And then a story so important … so, so, so heinous, I found I could not wait.

Ladies and gentlemen, this could potentially be the most important issue facing Western civilization this millennium. The detainees at Guantanamo Bay get only one (1, uno, eins) serving of ice cream per day!

Undoubtedly, you – like myself – are shocked. What kind of sick, twisted mentality leads our oppressive military oligarchy to deny basic rights like frozen dairy products to terrorists? The Great Satan: that’s who.

Thankfully, “Red Eye” is there to alert me to these stories. And, even more thankfully, host Greg Gutfeld reports them with the gravitas they so richly deserve.

According to Gutfeld, the detainees are sometimes limited to a mere 5,500 – 6,000 calories per day. This gives them only around three times the amount of calories an active adult needs to function.

Frequent “Red Eye” guest and noted nutritionist, SE Cupp, confirmed this

The average person eats 2,000 a day. I get why they like ice cream. They don’t have things like ice cream in caves.They probably go @#^$$%% for Q-Tips, too.

Thank God, Cupp gets it. Those poor, poor men. Isolated in private cells, with only a constant Internet connection, a full DVD library and constant access to the ACLU? They probably need the Q-Tips to clean dust off their wireless keyboards. I doubt those fascist maddog jailers do it for them. Bastards!

As Nick Popditch said

That’s some hard time there, you know what I mean? They’ve got it tough at Guantanamo. Water boarding and only one ice cream.

Amen, sir. No doubt, the UN Council Against Withholding Lactose will write a strongly worded letter. Baskins & Robbins has already sent a delegation to speak with the council’s leader, a Mr. Cherry Garcia. Mr. Garcia warned

Denying radical Islamic terrorists their Allah-given right to expensive – and calorie laden – luxury items like ice cream reinforces the negative stereotype America now enjoys around the world. The people of France are particularly outraged. Plus, violent Muslim backlash. If you do not give [the detainees] ice cream, some imams warn every man, woman and child in the US will soon be Phish Food.

Lest you think that ice cream restriction is the worst crime against humanity being perpetrated against those totally peaceful violent Islamic terrorists at Gitmo, I’ve uncovered some other indignities these men face daily.

Here they are, in no particular order:

  • Detainees are only allowed to call Michael Moore’s personal cellphone three times a week.
  • Strippers are only bused in on alternate Tuesdays.
  • The ACLU only supplies detainees with really crappy medical marijuana. They keep all the good stuff for American criminals. Racists.
  • The young men “supplied” to the detainees for recreational purposes are all protestants.
  • Some vicious infidel changed the directional signs in the rotunda. Consequently, detainees think they are facing Mecca, but are actually praying in the direction of Toledo.
  • Guards often force five detainees into the jacuzzi at once when the directions clearly state it seats “1 to 4 adults.”
  • Trophies for the Gitmo bowling tournament are only offered for teams that place in the top five.
  • No powdered soap in the community showers.
  • Detainees are strictly forbidden from reading The Bible of Unspeakable Truths.

Obviously, these injustices shall not stand. We The People must do something about the outrage. Forget Abu Ghraib: Rockyroadgate is clearly an unneeded and unwanted vestige of the oppressive Bushitler regime.

Stop the insanity! Give those imprisoned for wanting to kill us their just due. Give them ice cream!

You can still water board them, though. After all, they’re effing terrorists.


Red Eye” air date – September 28, 2010. Guests: SE Cupp, Nick Popaditch and Jim Norton. Cast: Host – Greg Gutfeld, Sequential Hermaphroditic Sidekick – Bill Schulz and Ombudsman – TV’s Andy Levy

The views in this post are entirely my own (except where I’m quoting.) Neither “Red Eye” nor Fox News endorse or support my “Red Eye” posts. I am not affiliated with the show in any way, other than being an avid fan.

Help a hard working “Red Eye” fan. Support the campaign to get my posts mentioned on the show! Write to “Red Eye” and mention this blog.

6 Responses to “Red Eye: Achmed bin (&) Jehris?”
  1. bteacher99 says:

    I love Phish Food.

    Toledo probably needs those prayers.

    Seriously, though: keeping ice cream at the proper storage and serving temps in that heat? Does Algore realize how much that Guantanamo is contributing to global warming? If he did, he’d surely want to shut it down…oh, wait.

  2. CatsPolitics says:

    This is the best thing you’ve ever written. Greg needs to go ahead and hire you right the fuck NOW.

    • Kim_AE says:

      Your post definitely lived up to all the hype…. HE-larious!

      That list of “rights restricted” was so funny… I mean sheesh, only Protestant love-slaves? MY GAWD! The humanity!

      I hope Greg reads one of your Red Eye posts I think he would enjoy them. : )

  3. DCG says:

    Funny stiuff!!

    Guess this proves we are Islamaphobic to deny them their Allah-given right to ice cream…

Check out what others are saying...
  1. […] Two days ago, I brought you what I thought was the most important story I’d ever covered: the denial of multiple ice cream servings to Gitmo detainees. […]

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